Return to the Land of the Living

The happy little face that keeps me going on the hard days!

It's been too long.  I have missed you little blog.  The last two months are oh so difficult to put into words.  I just have not had the strength to even write, much less upload and post pictures.  It's been a difficult two months: weeks of illness, heartsickness, loss.  Weeks when it was all I could do to put one foot in front of another and put one more meal on the table for my family and give one more English class.  Weeks when it felt like this year could be titled a Year of Loss, but deep in my heart I know it is not true.  It is a year of changes, of earthly separations, of letting go, of letting God.  Of being able to fully trust in a heavenly, GOOD, loving Father when you don't in the least understand His ways.

So, here I am now.  I have found the strength to return to the Land of the Living: divine strength and merciful physical healing, as well as a healthy dose of spirit and soul healing.  But, now the question is: where in the world do I start?  I considered pretending the many events of the last months didn't happen and just skip them, but they play a part in our journey and in the end I can't skip them! 

I could write of...

The lovely Sunday dinner celebrating our precious little girl's three, miraculous years of life!  I say miraculous, because I truly believe it is miraculous that she made it to three years old in one piece.  No broken bones, teeth or head.  Chipped tooth, yes.  Dislocated elbow, yes.  Stitches once and butterfly bandages the second time, yes.  But she is very much alive, healthy, happy (for the most part) and is developing at a rapid and overwhelming pace.  PTL!

The slightly tired birthday girl enjoying loves from Avo Rosa

Her favorite meal of all times: BBQ

Her daddy and uncle W. working so hard to make the meal perfect!

The delicious dessert bar, just did not get a picture of the American tapioca that also graced the table.

I could write of a special afternoon at a ladies tea I was invited to speak at and how I was the one that came away blessed.

Every detail lovely and refreshing to my weary spirit!

I could tell of the lovely, long awaited wedding of our precious friends, M & D (sorry no picture of the groom, but he does exist, I promise!) and how we rejoice to see how God has answered all their prayers, plus some.

I could tell of how Chloe is turning into quite a little photographer.  "Mommy, get the camera.  My dolly is standing all by herself!"

I could tell of how she loves her cousin so much and how patiently he shares his earphones with her!  They spend so much time bobbing along to music only they can hear.

Or how she so wants to be like mommy and so sunglasses are a must.

Or how she loves to play with my jewelry, so this one is for her Papa Rod because she is all dressed up in the pretties from his mission trip.  I cringe when she wants to play with these, because I remind her, "they are so special.  We can't break them!"   To her credit, she is mighty careful.

Or how mommy is finally feeling better and even managed to build a tent this past week under the table.  We watched a movie and ate our dinner under the table!  I told her to enjoy these times because pretty soon my tummy will be so big I won't be able to get down on the floor!

Or of getting a fat envelope in the mail last week with her new necklace and sweet card from N. Dakota!

Or how she so loving takes care of her babies, her daughters, as she calls them.

Or how our little baby is now 16 weeks old and  today I learned, the size of an avocado!  We should soon know his/her gender and are really excited about that.  Not because we have a preference but because it makes it seem more real.  And when mommy is sick 24/7, it needs to feel very real!!!



I could write of how she loved mountains and the raw beauty of God's creation and blue roses.
I could write of how for one year we shared a room in college and I lived closer to her than any other person up to that time in my life.  As the only daughters in our families, we had never shared a room with another girl.
I could write how her love and passion for life taught me to love life more, to loosen up, to let go of years of training of being a "good Brethren girl" and learn instead to focus on being a Christian.
I could tell of the hours of wrestling, running down the halls, leaving notes on our door, laughing and talking during study hours, walks out on the frigid, clear prairies, pictures and more pictures, studying late into the night and congregating in the kitchen when we could not do the study thing any longer.
I could chuckle at the memory of her waking me up every night with her late night bedtimes and I waking her up every morning with my early bird habits.  It wasn't always funny at the time, but we learned to adjust.
We were sisters.
I had another girl in my life for the first time that was taller than I.
She shared her shoes with me...that had never happened in my life.  No one had my big feet!
I could tell how she, knowing the intense disappointment of not being able to attend her wedding a couple years later,  mailed me a huge, fat envelope a few weeks later, complete with drawings to show where she entered, where they stood, where the guests sat, etc.  I have two complete spreadsheets in my picture album of that year of the special day she married her prince.  No one can believe I wasn't there, I have so many memories!
I could tell of the 13 years I have not seen her lovely, pure, laughing face and how I feel every one of those years and so longed to see her on earth again.
Or how she always commented in emails that "one day, Jama, our firstborn Chloes will meet each other!"
Or how I really was going to make it back to Canada someday and we would all get together, you know, the Prairie girl's gang from 5th floor, again and laugh until our sides hurt and talk all night long.
OR
How life has unexpected twists and turns and we truly never know what tomorrow holds.
I could tell how her faith was so real, so raw, so convicting, so encouraging, so heartbreaking during the year she fought for physical healing, for health, for wholeness.
Or how her blog is entitled NewLife-New Beginnings, because she said, the day she was diagnosed with cancer, she truly began to live.  To embrace life, to seek to be whole.
I could tell of the overwhelming grief that gripped my heart the day our sweet friend called to tell me my Lyn was safe in the arms of Jesus.  I wept that day and I have wept so often since.  I haven't seen her for years, I did not expect to feel her homegoing with such intensity, with such loss.   Or to tell the crushing grief on behalf of her family, her prince, her three, tiny precious children.
Or enter a time of intense soul-searching as I came before the Throne weeping and seeking peace in letting go of my family, my little girl if the need should arise.
It took several weeks of soul struggle.  I just could not see how I could ever die in peace knowing my little ones needed me.  But I kept asking, searching and knowing that somehow, somewhere God would answer.
And the peace came one day at a random time, driving to only God knows where, tears streaming down my cheeks and the answer came, along with a question: Jama, you have to simply trust that I love your husband, your babies more than you do and because of that, don't you think I can take much better care of them than you can?
And I was able to let go and in the place of pain, struggle, questions came peace.  Sweet, divine peace.
My family would be okay if God called me home.  Lyn's family will be okay.
Because a good, heavenly Father loves them more than we ever could as human wives and mommies.
And He will take care of His own.

And so her life continues to touch mine, even though she is whole and healthy in the presence of Jesus.
And heaven just got sweeter.  Incredibly sweeter.

In her honor: I commit today to truly beginning to live!  I choose LIFE!